I had always heard christian leaders or pastors talk about times when they were “in the wilderness,” or gone through “the wilderness.” It often came with stories of deep sorrow and pain for extended periods of time. Sometimes also associated with some depression or sadness. It seemingly always followed a tragic event or significant upheaval in their life.

I never really understood the depth of the phrase, “in the wilderness.” If they knew God and trusted God how could they have such a dark season? Wouldn’t God protect them from that? Were they just being dramatic about where they really had been or how dark it had really gotten?

I am very much a glass overflowing type of gal. I have been told that I can pretty much take any situation and see the best in it. I can generally take unhinged plans and turn them into a fun adventure. I have always been that way, so it was always quite difficult for me to see that as a christian things could really be “that bad.”

I have been a christian my whole life as long as I can remember. I have never really had any moments of questioning God or blaming God. I cannot remember a time when I have ever even been mad at God. My whole life I have followed Jesus and believed that He is my savior, redeemer and good father. He has brought me out of some tough stuff even after I had been the one who made the choices that put me in that tough stuff. I have a deep adoration and love for God. I am passionate about who He is in my life. I have always been pretty quiet about my relationship with God. Its deeply rooted into the very being of who I am. I honestly often times do not have words to express how thankful I am for a savior who loved me even at my worst, who picked me up and kept forgiving me even when my flesh and mind took over. The stories I could tell of how he protected me and spared my life are starting to take shape and will be told soon. So when I tell you I cannot began to find the words for how deeply in love with Him I am…..

While I have certainly had hard times in life I have never once waivered on my faith in Jesus Christ.

I can say that my wilderness journey did not come like a wrecking ball with one fail swoop. It came slow and steady. It started with the end of a long military season, followed by the realization that a dream I had was not going to come to fruition in the way I wanted and moved into a slow goodbye of some close friends, to a simple heart change to let go of something I had worked so long to make good. I slowly but surely sunk into this dry and barren isolated land. It was almost in slow motion and I could sense myself falling further into an unknown space but I did not know where it would lead me. For months I felt like I was just floating along like a leaf that falls from a tree and gets tossed around by the wind from place to place with no real stationary place. That turned into a dry barren wasteland in my mind. It felt like I was walking on a cloudy day in a wilderness and that I kept going deeper and deeper into the unknown.

This whole time I knew God was there. He was speaking to me but just not talking to me about where I was, why I was there or how long I would be there. I remember a dream I had of a mirror, broken with many pieces piled around. I felt like I was on the bottom of the pile just peeking through trying to get out to put the pieces back together but I could not reach through. I felt hidden under the glass but I kept hearing, “don’t struggle to get out for I will make this whole in my time.” Small streams of light shone through and it was just enough to keep me hopeful. In this dream I did not struggle. I did not rush. I was still with an odd sense of peace and hope knowing it would be made whole in His time.

I continued to stay faithful in my devotions and my worship. Even when I did not feel it I knew He was working. I remember Him telling me, “this won’t be fun but its necessary, there is more for you and without this journey you will never see it.” Just like God having to give His only son to die for my sins was necessary. Just like Jesus going to be alone in the desert and being tempted by the devil was not fun but necessary. Just like Moses leading the people to the promised land, it was hard and dark at times but it was necessary!

When I think of the wilderness I always think of cloudy with no sunshine. I am a sunshine all day type of girl. I dislike cloudy days but I know they are necessary. At what I would consider my “breaking point” in this wilderness season of mine I envisioned lying down on the ground in this cloudy tree covered lonely wooded area. I was tired. I felt like I could not take one more step. I was hungry and thirsty. I was alone and sad. I had come to the end of myself and it was a dark space. BUT, I looked up and through the branches wafting in the wind I could see the small rays of sun peeking through and shining on my face. I could feel the warmth of the sun and peace enveloped my soul. Then the scriptures started flowing, Deuteronomy 31:8 “ The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Isaiah 43:19 “Behold, I am doing a new thing, now it springs forth do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” As soon as I surrendered ALL that I had emotionally, physically and spiritually I woke up in a new way. I no longer felt like I was floating through the day in a fog. I no longer felt like I was on the trek through the woods. I had a renewed sense of hope and faith even deeper than before.

God knows me so well that He knew I could not just be plopped into the wilderness quickly but that it had to be slow and steady. He prepared the way even before I know there was a trail. even though it was cloudy and seemingly lonely HIS WORD encouraged me along the way. I knew that even in my darkest hour I needed to have His word hidden in my heart and that that very well may be the only thing that got me through that moment or that day. Even when I did FEEL Him working I recited verses anyway. Even when I wanted to lay down and give up I read my bible anyway. The word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. His word is living and breathing and can have power over our darkest situations. The walk through the wilderness may not be easy but it is necessary. He cannot move us past fears, anxiety, pain or growth without the wilderness seasons.

I am still fresh out of that wilderness season but looking back now I can see the words I had to verbally recite almost daily. I now have this verse hidden deep in my heart. Luke 1:45, “You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what He said.”

So many aspects of my life are wonderful. I am blessed with a healthy family, incredibly supporting church family, financial security and so much more. I almost felt guilty that I was in a place of desolate sadness. Jesus showed me that no matter the blessings we have every one of us will still have trials BUT that He will be with us always.

Have you ever been in the midst of a season where you are not hearing what you think you should be hearing from God? Sometimes He is even speaking to you about EVERY OTHER area of your life EXCEPT the one you are waiting on?

I would consider myself a spiritually mature Christian. I am not new to faith or God. Don’t get me wrong I still have a long way to go. I would consider myself to have a very close intimate relationship with God. We talk all the time. We even joke. God really does have a sense of humor I am convinced of that. He also has great timing. Yes, I said GREAT TIMING. Do not mistake that for our preferred timing…. I said He has PERFECT timing. When we are in the waiting season it is hard to remember that His timing truly is perfect.

The waiting season can be a lonely place some days. You can feel conflicted about decisions in other areas of your life because the devil is working overtime to convince you that you are not “important enough to God.” He can convince us that if we were, God would give us the answers we seek. The devil works hard to convince us that other areas of our life should not be in alignment with Gods word because if God isn’t speaking to us about this area, why would He have spoken into that one? He creates doubt and confusion. He uses our innermost thoughts and feelings, those ones we often do not share with anyone else, to sew seeds of loneliness and discontentment in our vulnerable areas. He convinces us that we should have it all together and not be struggling through this.

You know what he doesn’t do though? He does not remind us of all the times where God has been faithful. He does not remind us to go back to our first love. He does not remind us of those dark moments where God came in and saved us out of depression and anxiety or loneliness. He does not remind us of the times that we made decisions that placed us in bad circumstances and God provided people, doctors, finances, or any other type of provision in order to get us out. He never reminds us of the good good father that Jesus has been to us. He does not remind us that God has never left us or forsaken us. He does not remind us that God is sovereign and all powerful and almighty. He never reminds us that God is love, or that God hurts when we hurt. He never pushes us to lay it all down and just worship our father. He does not remind us of those things because He wants us to stay entangled in confusion and doubt. The more we focus on that the less we focus on God. The more we focus on us the less we focus on others. The more inward we become the less outward we can impact.

He clouds our minds with insecurity, doubt and loneliness. He convinces us to be isolated and alone in our own thoughts so that he can deceive us into thinking, “why would anyone care about what I am going through?” No matter how small the issue, and trust me small things can turn into big things if we are left to our own thoughts and emotions. He convinces us that we do not have the power to overcome this waiting and that we are not good enough for God to speak to us.

He is right on one point – we do not have the strength or power to overcome these thoughts, feelings or emotions ON OUR OWN, BUT we do have all authority and all power in Jesus name to declare that devil a liar! We do have all the authority to worship God even in our pain. We do have all power in Jesus name to make the enemy bow to our Lord and savior. We do have all power to admit when we are in pain and allow others to encourage us in that season. When we stay silent we lose the power. When we retreat we lose the chance to move past the loneliness.

If you are struggling with “the waiting” tonight I encourage you to pray and ask God for divine appointments with friends and mentors to be able to be honest and true about what you are feeling and all that you are going through. I know if you ask He will bring people along in your waiting season who can prove that God is for you and not against you. I know that He will use people and circumstances to show you He is there with you. He will use the tangible to prove the intangible. I know He will soften your heart to hear His voice. Time and time again He has taught me things in the waiting seasons that I would have never learned about myself without the waiting.

I challenge you today to really search yourself and seek His heart for what He wants you to learn in this season of waiting. To be honest my seasons of waiting have required the most growth but they produced the best fruit. Its not always easy in the waiting, but its always worth it. I can truly say I have found joy in the waiting. I have found peace in the waiting. I have even found freedom in the waiting. I know that my God is for me and that He is preparing me for greater things. He is molding more of my story and convincing me daily that joy can be found each morning. I know He is doing this for you to. Seek joy in the waiting. Trust that His timing is perfect and He will reveal it to you when it is just the right time for you.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Romans 8:18

They say a picture is worth a thousand words….

Less than 6 months ago these masks hanging from my rear-view mirror might have meant I was a doctor, a dentist or someone working in the medical profession. YAH RIGHT! Not this chick, LOL! Anyone who knows me knows I cannot handle the sight of a needle or blood so that would never have been a great career choice for me.

Today August 12, 2020 these masks hanging from my rear-view mirror bring up a lot of emotions and thoughts. They bring up a vast array of opinions, of which every individual has their own right to have. Whatever your opinion is, it is yours to have and thankfully we live in a country where currently it is your right to have that opinion openly. Mostly I am thankful for that!

For some, these masks mean safety and security or peace and comfort. For others it means loss of control and lack of freedom. For me, these masks bring up sadness, because of the divisiveness these simple masks have brought into our society. (I realize divisiveness existed before co-vid but it seems to have magnified the issues)

As I contemplated the changes in our daily lives that these little masks have created God whispered in my ear. Its always my favorite when he whispers a little reminder. I felt like for just a moment I was not trapped in this daily struggle between heaven and earth. I felt like in this one moment I was enveloped in peace. With just a whisper he reminded me that He has left us a guidebook, a road-map for every situation in life.

Genesis 8:22 says, “As long as the earth remains, there will be planting and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night.”

None of this surprises Him. None if this is a shock to Him. He already knew this was going to happen and He is already on the other side! He reminded me that we are not alone. He is here. He is here in our every moment, watching us and grabbing our hand just when we need it the most. He is in your hard day and your best day. He is cheering us on. He has not left us or forsaken us.

John 14:27 “I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So do not be troubled or afraid.”

If someone gets you a gift, do you set it down and open it when you feel like it? Or, do you have anticipation and restlessness until you open it just at the thought that someone thought of you enough to get you a gift? Half the time I do not even care what the gift is! I just am overjoyed that someone thought to get a gift for me! Can you imagine having a gift and never opening it to see what greatness is inside?

He left us a gift, we must sit with Him and open it. Turn off the tv, put down the phone and just sit with Him. I promise you He will speak to you. He will whisper to you just as He does to me. He has gifted us peace we just need to slow down and ask for it! THE WORLD is not going to give you peace. You are not going to find it in your relationships, in your job, in your possessions….. you will only find it in Him. He does not want us to be afraid. He does not want us to be burdened or living in fear. He does not want us feeling as if we are out of control or not free. He calls us to live in freedom in Him.

Today these masks told me a great story and a gentle reminder. He is here. He has not forsaken us. He is for us.  I love when a simple thing can bring such different perspective and I love that God can often talk through everyday circumstances. Be encouraged today.

Rarely do you meet people who touch your life in such a way that speaks to the core of who you are. Rarely do you meet people who do not waiver on their beliefs but aren’t hostile towards  you for yours. Not a lot of people can speak their mind with such confidence and stature in such a loving way. I definitely don’t meet a lot of people who never missed the chance to tell you how special you were to the world!

Yesterday morning on May 29th heaven gained this man. My stepdad, Steve, was not someone I talked to daily but was someone who touched my soul. When we talked it was never superficial conversation, it was always about something we both had a passion for. We did not always agree, but we both loved to speak our minds and then have a good laugh after the “discussion.” He made me laugh, and he taught me how to be courageous.

He fueled my love of writing. He was such a smart man, and he was such an eloquent writer. He often left personalized notes in books he gave or presents we got, and he ALWAYS signed his name, SPL! I wondered how I would be able to write in my blog and get people to understand how special he truly was. My heart hurts, my families hearts hurt, and my mother’s heart hurts. We will miss hearing his laugh. We will miss him playing endless games with our kids, his grand kids. We will miss hearing him read stories and we will most certainly miss him singing the same silly songs over and over! We know it was his time but that does not diminish our hurt.

In February Steve sent me a package that I knew was coming but I did not know he had filled it with some goodies. He often did things at random, but they always meant the world to the person he did them for! He left me a hilarious letter and a bound book of some of his poems he had written over the year. I placed the book on my desk in my, “to read when I have free time pile.” Oh how I wish I had taken just a moment to start reading it sooner. I would have been able to tell him how wonderful I thought it was and how much it meant to me that he would share such a gift with me. I’m sure none of us will be surprised  one day when we find out he was some acclaimed ghost writer. Years ago in a very terrible time in my life Steve gave me a poem he had written. I don’t know if it was written for me or if it was just one he had saved, but I cherished it. It has hung by my bed in every house I have lived in over the years. When I have bad days I read it and smile and I will continue to do so, “until we meet again, just a wink down the Yellow Brick Road….” (this was the last line in the last letter he wrote to me in February)

THAWTS – By Stephen P. Lesko

If all the Frogs were Princes, and all of the Ladies Queens, If all of the World was a Castle, and all of the Guards, Jellybeans….

There might be no today nor tomorrow, Let all of the Past roll away, With silver soft sewn int he moonbeams, and rainbows at break of day…

Then all the boys who would live there, And all of the girls, dressed in gold, Might freeze in that magical moment, Of storybook legends told….

There children would speak in sweet visions, Perhaps it would be you or me, Enchanted in innocent beauty, and forge all the Royal Decrees…

“Let all of this life’s dreary hatred, rise like an army to war, and march on with fear, discontentment, to be banished from here, evermore…”

“Let poverty ne’er be remembered, and hunger-a word long forgot, with want, and with need, desperation, to never return to this spot….”

“Let Wind-songs, and Carols, and Poems, flow through the twilight’s deep mist, and every new babe fore the nite-tide, be tucked in its cradle, soft kissed…”

“Let gentleness carve us the roadways, and love be the street lamps at night, let stars be the wonders we wish on, and wishes go soaring like kites…”

Growing old- would only be- a memory….. You and I- would be nothing but dreams… If all the Frogs, were Princes…. and all of the Ladies, Queens….

Does anyone enjoy the beach as much as I do? Have you seen that new Facebook meme that says, “I need a time out, send me to the beach and don’t let me come back until my attitude changes.” I think this statement is true for many reasons, some funny, some not.

My most favorite thing to do while at the beach is to just sit on the deck drinking hot tea, while watching the most miraculous of sunsets. (they always seem better at the beach right?) I love hearing the seagulls screech and the waves hitting the sand in a most resonant way that it is almost euphoric. I live a very fast paced life, my brain never sleeps and my eyes only pretend to be closed for 6 hours a night. I have two kids, a husband, and own a fast paced bookkeeping firm. I live for these moments at the beach when I can relax and refuel my soul. There is something serenely inspiring about the ocean and the waves. In an instant they can tug at the sand and pull out all the dirt and weeds that wash ashore and take them right back out to where they belong. I think our lives are like the ocean, and the waves are our soul. They thrust us forward in life, even if we don’t want to go, and they stretch us to our limit and then they pull the deep parts of us back where they reside, all the while cleansing us with crystal clean water along the way.

“You call me out upon the water, the great unknown, where feet may fail and there I find you in the mystery, in oceans deep my faith will stand ….”

For some of us we never had that revelation moment where we asked God into our lives on “this day, at this time.” For some of us we grew up knowing He was our redeemer, He was faithful and He was our loving father. For me, I knew this all along, but the dirt and seaweed overtook me like a storm in the ocean and for years I was “lost at sea.” My world had fallen apart and my family life was non existent. I made my own selfish choices, which led me through a lot of unnecessary physical and emotional pain. Looking back though it was not unnecessary. I needed to go through it because I was trying to lead my own soul. I was trying to guide my own life. I was trying to captain my own ship. You know those movies where the boat sinks and the waves are crashing and no matter how much they flail their arms and try to swim the waves just keep overtaking their human strength? They are left gasping for air, then holding their breath until that one moment they can grasp it before the wave crashes over them again.  For some of us, hard headed, independent, deep thinking individuals we have to go through storms and even sometimes shipwrecks so that we realize that we can’t do this alone. The drowning was my revelation moment. I was 18, with a beautiful baby boy, living in a safe house hiding from my husband for fear he would do as he had told me, and “kill me, because if he could not have me, no one could have me.”

“And I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace, for I am yours and you are mine…..”

This past year I realized that although I had my realization moment over 14 years ago, I still had not given my past to God and allowed him to erase my past so that he could rewrite my future. I now have an incredible family and an amazing husband who loves me. So stay tuned to hear more about my journey through this thing called life.

“Your grace abounds in deepest waters, your sovereign hand, will be my guide, where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, you’ve never failed and You won’t start now.”

I’ve always known I was on a LONG journey. Recently, I felt stuck, as if I was never going to “make it.” What does that even mean? I have taken the last few months to really focus on how to know when you have “made it.” The fact is, once you realize its about the journey and not the destination you move past the “made it” stage into the “making it” stage! I created this blog because I realize a lot of us may be contemplating what our journey looks like and I hope that by me sharing about my journey, it will encourage others along theirs. So lets get started!

But first, three rules to reading my blog:

Rule#1: Remember, Hope is not an English major, as a matter of fact she was lucky to pass English in high school. So, give me a break!

Rule#2: Please understand that every journey looks different, I just want to share parts of mine so that others may feel encouraged.

Rule#3: ENJOY it! There will be happy and sad blogs but enjoy each one. Try to take something positive away from each one that you can apply to your own journey. We are all in this together.

“Your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts.”